Driving Home Alone

Amanda should have been happier. Driving her horse and cart through the forests was one of the things she enjoyed the most during her summer vacations. It was this she looked forward to all through the rest of the year; just her and Moosy the pony and the winding countryside roads with not a care in the world.

The sun warmed her back and and the afternoon breeze played through he hair. She should have been happier. She wasn't sad, not exactly, just not as happy as she wanted to be and it annoyed her.

She wanted to blame the man she'd met up on Old Hill. If he'd not been there and if he hadn't said those things everything would have been fine. She wouldn't have to be thinking about Brodrik or his stupid mom or what everyone else thought about her. She could have been happily driving along looking at the trees and the clouds and listening to the clop, clop, clop of Moosy's hooves.

She could have, but she didn't, and it was his fault. Amanda knew she was being unfair. The man, Enar, he'd been nice and polite, but he'd known and he'd been insensitive about it. She couldn't blame him for knowing and he couldn't know how difficult it still was.

He should have though, a small part of her thought, if your friend goes and gets himself drowned and his mother blames you for it, it's bound to leave some scars. Even a guy should be able to get that. It's not fair that just because he's a man he gets to be an insensitive jerk and you just sit there and take it.

That's not the way the world works and you know it, her sensible side countered. Perhaps it should, but now it doesn't and you'll just have to live with it. Life's not fair, but you'll have an easier time of it if you stop struggling and just play by the rules.

Her thoughts went round and round in those tracks; Brodrik's passing, his mother's accusations, Enar's insensitivity and back to Brodrik again. If the idiot had just taken a hint and stayed here where he belonged none of this would have happened.

She felt horrible blaming Brodrik. It wasn't his fault and she was a terrible person for thinking about him like that. Brodrik had loved her like no other man had and she should have been thankful for that. He had given up everything to follow her to the city and take her for his wife. It was a grand and noble thing to do and she'd rejected him and now he was dead.

Amanda knew she shouldn't blame herself. Everyone said that; her friends, her family, her therapist – they all agreed. She'd been straight with him, she knew that, he just didn't listen. It wasn't her fault if he didn't listen.

Still, she could have tried harder. Maybe if she'd given him a chance she could have learned to love him. If she'd let him love her maybe he wouldn't have started drinking and maybe he wouldn't have fallen into the river.

She started to cry.